Archive for March, 2008


March 3, 2008

A possible Jewish longcase clock! The extremely unique and desirable case with “Phallic” style trunk and “Helmet” hood is constructed in the same wood as the recently discovered, and purchased at great expense, remains of “Shekel’s Ark,” reclaimed from a sandbank just outside the entrance to New York Harbor. The vessel, or wooden thing when raised, revealed not only “The Clock” still installed in its original position in the captains cabin, but, believe it or not, his own “Head” still working! This extraordinary find is at present temporarily installed in the boardroom of the New York Wood Exchange. Shares are shortly to be issued, now that its authenticity has been verified as a result of the fact that the Sinquirer, refused to print the story.
This mammoth historical find came about by accident when a retired bond trader named “Chip” Elvis Curry Krishna XIX, was attempting to be the first person of American-sub continent Indian descent, to swim the Atlantic underwater from New York to Plymouth Rock England. Underestimating the need to hold his breath for long periods and about to sink for the third time, whilst sensibly thinking it was unlikely he was going to achieve his goal, “Chip”, felt that a photograph left in his floatable camera, would at least if found record his gallant effort . He also felt strongly, being sensitive of his legacy, that it needed to be something other than the waste discharged in great quantities into the harbor, and now flowing aggressively seaward on the outgoing tide. The only alternative was a piece of wood jutting out of a sandbank with the word “Ark” on it. He took the photograph. His garbled cries for help on his cell phone, now also suffering from the waste, brought two major networks and three newspapers including the Sinquirer to his aid.
The rescue took longer than usual, due in part to his condition and his lack of experience in negotiating a contract. It was finally resolved with Fred Turner on humanitarian grounds, plus being very wet, overriding his now seasick lawyers and agreeing to a stage payment retirement plan for the now completely numb “Chip”. This compensated to some degree, the tragic loss of his brother Archibald “Royal” Charles Curry Krishna XI, who only months earlier disappeared on Everest, after attempting to climb it with one hand tied behind his back. Only his cell phone was found. It was his third attempt. It should be said in all fairness, the two were only following in their fathers “Lucky” Shamus O’Flattety III footsteps, who on arriving in America some years earlier had opened San Francisco’s first “Do it yourself Acupuncture Centre”. In a publicity stunt to promote the centre, he had attempted the first bungy jump from the San Francisco Bridge. Sadly he made three mistakes; the rope had far, far too much recoil; it wasn’t secured strongly enough, and he couldn’t swim. He was last seen heading skyward towards the Bay. His body was recovered some time later by fishermen approximately one mile out to sea. I am sure he would be delighted to know however that a new sport was born, as yet not in the Olympics, although in a seaward direction his distance record still remains unbroken today. Ironically, his inadvertent legacy of promoting this now popular sport stands him in historically better, than promoting “Do it Yourself Acupuncture Centers”, as most have resulted in closures due to a number of successful lawsuits.
With fewer odors now coming from the “Ark”, the work of investigation now began to reveal its innermost secrets. The captain now confirmed through the ships log tablet as Amos Sheckel III, a man who obviously seemingly, preferred stone to scrolls, being happier with a chisel than a quill. It became apparent with the deciphering of the scrolls that “Shekel”, had been before his role as captain, a successful interior designer, and had played a large part not only in the original design of the Ark, but also in its interior, especially the color combinations of housing the animals, which according to the scrolls were “very pleasing to the eye”. The scrolls also revealed that in the early days of the Ark’s construction one of “Shekel’s” distant cousins, a good natured man named Nowah, disagreed strongly with the boats design and subsequently went off to build his own “Ark”. His idea being a larger boat whereby two of every species could be housed. The others thought the idea ridiculous, maintaining that the waste alone would sink it, and it must be said there was relief when Nowah left, as housing his huge family alone, with all of them being twins, would have proved difficult. There is some record of him, but as yet his “Ark” has not been found, but the search is continuing. It was through “Shekel’s” chiseling in a language nobody as yet can understand, that the whole tragic tale of his voyage was faithfully recorded.
After sailing the Oceans of the world and back, using as a compass a one eyed albatross named “One eye”, and a muscular sailor named “Muscle’s”, they found themselves close to exhaustion just outside New York Harbor. Now in a desperate state, having lived on rabbit and beans for much of the last year, they attempted to land. To their despair and then rage, confirmed in “Shekel’s bad chiseling in expletives still used by very angry people today, their request was denied. It is unclear as to the exact reason why, but two clues in “Shekel’s” chiseling probably provide the answer. The first was the smell, subsequently blamed on the animals, especially the rabbits who had been “going at it” from the launch date and now existed in vast numbers, despite one should add, the occupants valiant efforts to eat as many as they could. The other was the Harbor Master, who was on the tall side for a short person, and whose name it appears was originally a Kenneth Perrywinkle, but had later changed by the time of their arrival to Adolf “Biff” Swastika (a name he took from an Indian design on a canoe).

At this time Shekel’s chiseling stops, but fortunately x-rays of the anchor chains revealed some very twisted penned scrolls and a startling fact. The Ark was scuttled!!!
Nothing is known of the fate of the Panamanian crew or paying guests. The scrolls, with difficulty, when slowly unwound, revealed more clues. It appears there was a dispute after a very dubious raffle, which included the more intelligent animals that should it prove necessary, the winners would get a place in the life raft, made from the skin of a dead elephant that died after eating too much rabbit. When drawn, a lot of tickets had disappeared, the winners claiming that the animals not included had eaten them. A second theory was the rabbits, connecting it to the third theory that all the occupants to escape the smell, went in for a swim at the same time. More theories and deciphering of the scrolls are to follow, including evidence suggesting some questionable sexual relationships, and a brief mention of a mutiny lead by a kangaroo named Gerald.
The clock case it must be said still has that wonderful aroma of the sea about it, a combination of seaweed and sea stuff. The German made, it turned out, three & half hour and 20 seconds movement was made in part by Georing & Blitzkrieg and was to say at least unusual, but in very little demand today. The dial inscribed” G & B & Shekel”, suggests the palm trees in all four corners of the dial were Shekel’s idea, which will explain itself later. There now seems irrefutable evidence that after floating to Scotland on either part of the dead elephant, or an exceptional piece of wood from the Ark, a floating tribute to its buoyancy, Shekel was eventually washed up on the Scottish Coast, my own guess is near Cardiff. With his skin now bleached almost white, he sensibly changed his name to Jock, and went on in later life to write “Very Oldest Scottish Clockmakers” by Jock Shekel III, accepted by the worlds horologists as the finest definitive account of Scottish Clock making by a bleached person. The only reflection of his heritage was in a rather flamboyant tartan kilt he wore decorated with palm trees, and a suggestion in his book dealing with maintenance, that clock movements would run better on coconut oil. Georing and Blitzkrieg strongly disagreed with this advice, stating once again categorically that all their movements should run for four & half days and 30 seconds, and in addition blaming his advice on coconut oil for their clocks lack of that duration, and consequently their company’s demise into receivership. Jock never married, and so alone and disillusioned, his life, kilt, and lawn in tatters with the front garden of his crofters hut, inundated day and night with angry clock owners confused as to what time it was, he decided regrettably, to leave the trade.
But now convinced in the special powers of coconut oil, he turned instead to homoeopathetic medicine. It was not long before with a friend from Australia called Bruce; he opened a practice prescribing coconut oil in large quantities for ailments as far apart as excessive masturbation to flatulence. Side effects however included liver failure, kidney failure, Gonorrhea, Heart attack, Restless toes syndrome and the Runs. But whether it was his flamboyant style of dress, his new kilt now displaying especially in the front huge bunches of additional coconuts, or the attractive smell he gave off we shall never know, but it was a great financial success. It was about this time, flushed with success and coconut oil; he began feeling very responsible for the part he had played in scuttling the “Ark”, so with Bruce’s affection and approval he financed an expedition to recover it. He gathered a young but possibly inexperienced crew, while displaying once again his designer skills, dressed them all in outfits similar to his own, but with fewer coconuts, a trend he would have been be happy to know continued by some liberal seafaring folk to this day. After a rousing sendoff from a well-wisher and his dog, he set sail in a ship called “Jumbo” close to the spot where he had been washed ashore all those years before. Nothing more was ever seen of the ship, himself, or his flamboyant crew again.

Comments:- Smotherbies / Cristies: It would have been nice if this clock had been purchased by a direct descendent of “Shekel”, and we would certainly have given preference with the customary nod and a wink that would end the bidding, but only if positive proof of money could be provided.

Footnote: Worthington Stielberg has recently for an unmentionable sum; outbid Winston Dizzy for the film rights to this tale. The good news is that Winston will now certainly go big time for the shares.

More important footnotes!
All proceeds (Excluding expenses) will be donated to the research and hopefully cure
Of the “Compulsive flattery of complete strangers” syndrome.
Some recommended reading on the subject includes:-
“The story of Briar Rabbit in edible form” by Marge Stalwart.
“ For Heavens sake! . How many Arks were there?” by Pope John X111111111

Typed with great reluctance by my friends wife, (A victim of the above syndrome), whilst dissociating herself completely with historical evidence supplied by myself, and as an avid reader of the Sinquirer objects most strongly to the slur against them. She does nevertheless wish everyone a” Nice, super, happy and wonderful, whilst healthy but care free, loving and touchy, but not too close! Great day!’’

Mobie Richard. Winterbottom. Esq. or (A.A.S)

P.S HELP!!!!!!!!!!!


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March 3, 2008

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